nicole

I felt like having a temper tantrum...old shool style - complete fall out, thrashing about, screaming banging, kicking.... it's not fair. I did not get my way. Not mad at anyone in particular just pissed that I did not get my way. It wasn't supposed to go down this way. Not what I imagined...., what I imagined was the two of us mother and daughter talking, growing older together, having the time to deepen this new bond of mother to now daughter-mother. There were questions to be asked, stories to be heard, so many shares to have together before your parting. No. What happened was not what I imagined. You, eyes closed because the light hurt too much. You, gurgling, mumbling gargled words because of the paralysis in your throat and face. Not being able to gaze into your eyes, listen to you stories and laughter...it was not supposed to go down that way. And then your final weeks being unresponsive to my voice, your eyes closed, mouth closed....looking as though you were wishing away all bad things..... wishing away the madness of it all....

So yeah, today I felt like kicking and screaming and throwing a fit. But that's not mature. I'm grown now. Next in line. You're gone now and it's time for me to be fully grown. But how to I get ready for this job I didn't imagine.

I'll dance for now.