Some Thoughts on Tandem Nursing Journeys
My first round of tandem nursing with the brothers, a newborn Wonder and a toddler Bloom. They are 21 months apart.
Recently I marked my 6 year anniversary of breastfeeding one or more babies daily. My oldest child just completed his sixth turn around the sun. I’ve been in a space of deep reflection, celebration, and amazement at all that has happened in my first years of motherhood.
As I think back over all my breastfeeding labors, I see so far that nearly two-thirds of my nursing journey—almost 4 years cumulatively—has been spent as a tandem nursing mother. Tandem nursing is defined as nursing two or more children who did not share time in the womb together. I think it’s important to distinguish tandem nursing from simultaneous nursing—which I’m defining as the process of breastfeeding two children at the same time, one on each breast. Also, breastfeeding mothers of multiples share some experiences with tandem nursing moms, but they are also having a very different experience in that they are navigating nurslings who are all the same age. Some moms tandem nurse, but don’t nurse their children simultaneously. In my tandem nursing process I have nursed my children simultaneously, and also had them take turns at the breast. I’ve also tandem nursed while pregnant, tandem nursed through the night, and tandem nursed while pregnant and weaning the older nursling.
It’s important to make distinctions about all the possibilities of our labors as breastfeeding moms because each choice we make is shaped by many unique and intersecting factors. For one, the “choice” to tandem nurse begins for most of us long before we are actually managing life with two or more little people. My tandem nursing journey evolved as the natural progression from my choice to continue breastfeeding my one-year old son while pregnant. At the time I got pregnant with my second son, my oldest was still primarily breastfeeding, having challenges adjusting to solid foods, and weaning was not at all a possibility or my desire. I was simultaneously nursing a 21-month old and a newborn hours after my second son was born. The transition from nursing one child to two children was extremely seamless, and was a major part of me being able to support my older child’s adjustment to becoming a big brother.
Pre-tandem nursing for the second time around, breastfeeding Wonder while in labor with Jubilee. Photo by Eleanor Kaufman Khan
I’ve heard many times from other moms who weaned before getting pregnant or while pregnant that they can’t imagine tandem nursing. The assumption is that tandem nursing is much more work and stress on the body. This might be true for some moms and babies. But I found that the labor of weaning, especially weaning while pregnant, was more challenging for me. Weaning presents all sorts of unknowns, as you have to establish new rhythms, new soothing techniques, and new understandings of what foods your baby will substitute instead of your breastmilk. Weaning is an entire labor unto itself, and if you don’t feel you can navigate all that unchartered terrain while pregnant, tandem nursing might just be a much better process for you and your family to prepare for instead.
Something for moms to keep in mind when nursing while pregnant and also tandem nursing an infant and toddler—Colostrum is a laxative for everybody! Colostrum poop in a newborn is simple and sweet. Colostrum moving through a toddler’s system—get ready for the funk! Of course everyone is different, but I noticed when my milk started changing to colostrum during second trimester my toddler went through a week or two of extremely pungent, runny, explosive diapers. Not to worry, it doesn’t last forever, and it might not happen with your toddler. But for my little folks it did. Also the funky diapers returned for the nursing toddler the first few weeks of baby brother or baby sister’s life, but as their system adjusted to the shifting landscape of my postpartum breastmilk, their poop diapers went back to normal.
The early postpartum period is intense for every mom. One of the first challenges I remember with my early tandem nursing journey is the difficulty of physically managing a bigger, stronger, heavier toddler on my still very-raw postpartum body. Your older child is used to being on mommy a certain way, and might not understand that they can’t just jump on mommy or be so rough with her body while it’s healing. Also, depending on how old the older sibling is, they might not understand at first how to be gentle with the newborn when simultaneously nursing. When my second son was born he was definitely whacked in the head a few times by his big brother who was trying to figure out why there was all of the sudden someone else nursing beside him.
When my daughter was born, my nursing toddler was even older—and stronger— than his brother had been when he was born. In the first few weeks of her life it was very difficult for me to manage simultaneous nursing, and I had to have another family member be with my toddler so that they could hold him or keep him busy until I could finish nursing his baby sister. I had assumed I could nurse brother and sister simultaneously like I had done for the boys, but I was physically in a lot more pain during the early days of postpartum, and I just couldn’t manage two children on me at the same time until baby sister was a few weeks old.
One of the things I love most about tandem nursing a newborn and a toddler is that tandem nursing naturally supports a very strong milk supply in the beginning of postpartum, and an optimal flow without feeling overfull or getting engorged. The older nursling, being so well-practiced and efficient at emptying the breast, makes it easier for the newborn to learn to latch on because my breasts don’t ever get too full or too hard. Also, I haven’t leaked milk since the first months of nursing my first son, because all my other newborns have been tandem nursing and there’s generally no excess milk I have to worry about leaking through my clothes.
A typical breastfeeding morning with Jubilee and Wonder. As a co-sleeping mama, the munchkins generally have a “preferred side,” but I do my best to make sure the youngest one especially nurses evenly on both sides. Some moms exclusively tandem nurse each child from the same breast each time.
One concern I’ve heard is that an older child will “drink all the milk” for the newborn. But our brains are so intelligent and our bodies so magical. Every time we bring baby to the breast, the brain is able to determine who is latched on from the information exchange facilitated through baby’s saliva. As long as mom and newborn are supported in being able to nurse on demand, the brain will get plenty of signals to keep making enough milk for the newborn. And when the toddler nurses the brain will understand from his or her saliva that this child is eating solid foods and is much more mature and doesn’t need the same composition of milk. Some moms who tandem nurse keep each child on their own breast exclusively. Sometimes if they pump from each breast, the milk from the breast the toddler nurses from will look radically different from the milk coming from the side the newborn nurses from. All this to say—-the toddler will not take away the newborn’s milk! There’s plenty for everyone!
I also deeply appreciate tandem nursing for the way it assists with the transitions of siblinghood. It’s a lot for the youngest child to suddenly be bumped up to big sister or big brother, and the emotional reassurance that being able to still breastfeed provides is so welcome and amazing. I know that all of my children have adjusted to becoming older siblings so well because their breastfeeding process was not interrupted or ended because of the birth of a new child.
The tandem nursing process and all of these choices are different for every mom, for every pregnancy, for every baby, for every family. Many of us don’t know how we’ll be as mothers or what we’ll do until we’re in the moment. I didn’t set out to nurse everyday for the past six years, but that’s what has made sense for me, my children and our family flow. I imagine things would have looked differently had I not been the primary caregiver for all of my children, or had I had more hands-on support with my children. But I learned early on that in addition to all the health benefits of breastfeeding for my children, breastfeeding saved me and my family time, energy, money, and resources. The more children I have and the more time I spend cultivating our breastfeeding practice, the more grateful I am that I’ve poured so much of my labors into our breastfeeding journey. In my family breastfeeding is a way of life, and tandem nursing is an essential part of what makes breastfeeding sustainable and fulfilling for all of us.