The Magnitude of Now
Hello Radiant One! Welcome to Seed & Spark: Journal of the Fertility Abundance Garden. Thank you for being here and witnessing our labors to share our sacred stories. Our stories are our wealth and in the Garden we are discovering the bounty of our stories and how to apply that wealth to the cultivation of our abundance. The Fertility Abundance Garden is a congregation for creators, a sanctuary for mothers, and a dreamscape for sacred storytellers. To learn more about the Garden or to join as a creator, please visit the Fertility Abundance Garden Welcome Center. If someone forwarded this post to you and you want to receive your own, subscribe to Seed & Spark and receive the Fertile Friday love note every week that highlights new shares in the journal. So much life, labor, and love goes into creating and sustaining the Garden and everything we share. The Garden is sustained by the kindness and generosity of creators and supporters. If any part of our magical world touches your heart and nourishes your being as a creator, please do pour into our Giving Well or join a Sustainability Circle today. If you are already contributing to our bounty, THANK YOU FOR THE LOVE!
The Magnitude of now
Fertile Friday Love Note
Listen to the unabridged Fertile Friday love note. Story of the photo is below.
By mother mother binahkaye joy
27-29 May 2022
Greetings and Blessings and Miracles to all, Powerful Creators!
What are you letting go of?
What are you holding onto?
What are you searching for?
I greet you from the morning majesties of feeding people and sorting out the day. I’m making tea and I’m in the kitchen with Revvy.
The language that came to me in my morning communions is the “magnitude of now.”
{Lots of life and mothering labors…moving to the porch sanctuary}
What was on my heart this morning? The Magnitude of Now. That’s the language that came. And how did I get there? I was sitting with the journey of my experience with the luminous expansion. The luminous expansion is my reimagined language for what is typically referred to as ovulation. And the reason that I had to come up with new language is because the standard terminology was too limiting. It’s very much connected to this window of time that starts and stops. I realized for my majesty as a creator, and as a fertility priestess, and as a mother, that the frequency of my possibilities of creation, the frequencies of the starseeds that live within me and my ovaries, the bounty of miracles and possibilities of how life can be imagined and creativity can be experienced, is without bounds. It is vast, and continuous, and beyond any sort of window of time. The physiological majesty of the eggs in my ovaries and the rhythms of the fertility cycle is one component of my fertility being. There are other dimensions. Luminous expansion speaks to the multiplicity of those dimensions and that I can honor the majesty of the physiological and the biochemistry and the hormone dance and all of that— and I can stay inside the frequency of expansion at all times.
Italicized words defined and expanded on in the glossary
Have you recently or previously joined the Garden?
Welcome home, Beautiful Creator! If you feel the Yes in your heart and you’re ready to experience more engagement in the Garden, connect with other amazing creators, attend our live gatherings, and access the magic of the Creators Portal, please visit the Sanctuary to complete the process for joining the Creators Circle. In the Sanctuary you can confirm or reconfirm conscious participation. If you are joining the Garden for the first time, visit the Fertility Abundance Garden Welcome Center to begin your journey. Thank you for being here!
Explore the Daily Dancer practice below.
I can stay inside the frequency of being a super creator and superconductor at all times, and that was important to me. That felt like a Yes. I realized that I was limiting the celebration of my fertility expansion. If I only celebrate this luminous moment of expansion when the biological chemistry says this is the window, then that’s really only a few days out of every cycle, every month. But I love the generative frequencies. I love how I feel when I dance, and when I imagine and when I dream.
What happens if I stay in my frequency? Like, why do I have to leave this? Why do I have to leave this frequency? The majesty of what I’m feeling is not on a schedule, it’s not on a time. This is the truth. When when I tap into the bounty of my possibilities, when I dance inside the infinite, expansive, majestic frequencies of creation, when I imagine all the ways that my fertility can be translated and expressed and experienced in this world— I feel radiant. I feel joyful. I feel beautiful. I feel powerful. I feel confident. I feel sexy. I feel alive. So I was like, “Yeah I’m not just gonna tap into that two days a month, I’m gonna do that every day!”
So that’s how the language for luminous expansion was born and the movement rituals that are associated with the luminous expansion process that I’m developing and feeling into. When the language “the magnitude of now” came to me this morning, when I traced it back, wondering, what is that connected to, I came to the luminous expansion. How are they connected? I know how it’s connected. But in the spirit of sharing my process and my stories inside these love notes, I was thinking of ways to unpack it, and illuminate the threads, illuminate how I get from here to there. So for me the magnitude of now is the reason that it feels so alive and so vital to celebrate the majesty of my fertility everyday.
“What happens if I stay in my frequency? Like, why do I have to leave this? Why do I have to leave this frequency? The majesty of what I’m feeling is not on a schedule, it’s not on a time. This is the truth. When when I tap into the bounty of my possibilities, when I dance inside the infinite, expansive, majestic frequencies of creation, when I imagine all the ways that my fertility can be translated and expressed and experienced in this world— I feel radiant. I feel joyful. I feel beautiful. I feel powerful. I feel confident. I feel sexy. I feel alive. So I was like, ‘Yeah I’m not just gonna tap into that two days a month, I’m gonna do that every day!’”
The magnitude of now. I recognize that every month that I go through the journey of possible conception. There’s a devotion to the possibility. I want to celebrate that this life is possible, or whatever else I dream this energy to go into. It’s possible. I want to celebrate that this is possible. For a long time, I spent many years in my invisible mother labors suppressing my deep yearning to be a mother because I was in upside-down relationships with people who did not want to participate in that possibility with me. So it was all of the confusion and misaligned energies. When the physiological luminous expansion would happen every month, there would be this disheartening, this disappointment, the sadness, this grieving— but it was silenced and it was invisible. I realized that even now, in life as a visible mother, and years from that season, that the imprint of that suppression and the weight of that knot of holding for so long, the countless times that I denied the truth to myself— the imprint of that is still in my womb, in my body. I want to clear that. I want to heal that. I want to make space for new energies and softness. The energy that it’s taking to sustain that knot, the hardened space inside of us, whatever we’re holding, whatever we’re lamenting, whatever we’re grieving, whatever we haven’t quite unpacked— it takes energy for it to still live impulse one within us. There are old knots— and there are new knots, there’s knot, and issues, and all sorts of things from life right now. Life is dynamic, in all the ways. But there are specific, old, hardened spaces that I am ready and conscious enough to look at and go back to greet my invisible motherself. To care for her, and to love her, and give her space.
I’m conscious enough to be to be present with the labor. It takes time. That’s why healing is not linear. That’s why we don’t have to automate ourselves. “Oh, that happened a year ago. That happened five years ago. I should be over it. It should be done.” It still might be sitting with you and you’re holding it until you reach the consciousness to face it and unpack it, until you have the softness or the support to be with it, until you have breath from the rawness of it and can actually reflect. Whatever it is, there might be a reason why this thing is still with you years and years after it happened.
Explore the practice
Soundtrack: Bonga Mu Nhango | Quantic and his Combo Bárbaro The Dreaming Mind, Pt. 1 | François Chesnel, Frédéric Chiffoleau, Fred Pasqua, Yoann Loustalot Sanza tristesse | Osunlade Jade | The Cinematic Orchestra Ode To The Big Sea | Osunlade, Maiya James Same Thing (Instrumental Mix) | Blue Lab Beats, Kaidi & NK-OK Out of the Blue | Sunlightsquare Ochosi (Original Instrumental Mix) | Butcher Brown Cross River | Kokoroko Abusey Junction
About this practice: In This Now Moment is a one-hour, oral movement practice with Mother Mother that invites us to consider where gravity, weight, and density has gathered in the body. Through a series of gentle prompts, dancers discover a softening and a lightening of energies.
That’s what I’m seeing now as I have more energy, and presence, and gentleness, and awareness, and tenderness to love up on my invisible motherself, and my younger selves, new mommy selves, and all the other iterations of me. I actually have the heart space to be with all these different parts of myself in a way that wasn’t possible, or accessible to me before. A big part of that is the Garden, is this world we've created where this type of labor can happen, where this type of healing is normalized, and where the support of the sistership is integral to the life and the ways of our being. The come as you are, our sistership, the experiment, the softness, the soft-time, the slow-living— all these frequencies and all these ways of being in our world make it more possible for me to go and see the hardened, closed off spaces. The places in my body, in my life, in my heart, where I tucked away hurts and shames, and regrets, and guilt— all those things that have accumulated over the years of becoming very practiced in denial. It takes a lot of energy to deny one’s Yes— and to do it again and again and again. That was my life for many years.
I’m sitting with the magnitude of now, as a moment of reconciliation with the past in a way. Part of it, in this now moment, I can do with the fullness of myself in a very loving way. I can look at the parts that hurt, and the parts that bruised, and the parts the stung without reliving the pain of it, and also without deepening the scar or the know. The knot can begin to loosen or dissolve or melt away.
So that’s one piece of the magnitude of now. The other piece is that I celebrate the possibility of what can be created in the luminous expansion. I celebrate that a whole life is possible, that I have the possibility to bring forth a whole life. Every month there’s the elemental of matter of a new that being presents itself for realization. I wholeheartedly honor that and celebrate the labor of consciousness around that as mother. I celebrate that I am the mother of my starseeds already. This is a labor that I’ve been doing for years. Even before I was a visible mother, I was rooting myself in the awareness of being the mother of my children. At the time, I didn’t have the language starseeds so I called them my children. Now I use the language starseeds to specifically speak to the ones who are not yet born, and to the possibility of their existence, and to the labors, the long loving labors of preserving the way and keeping your way soft and open.
One of my many identities— if you read my bio there’s like 20 different identities— one of my many titles is black birthing mother. I say that because I am still in a space of birthing. I am still keeping the way soft and open for future starseed that can come. That is a very real and present part of my daily labors in life. Everything I do, in addition to being with the children who are earthside, everything I do also keeping the way soft and open for any other starseeds to be born and realized as human and as children from my body. The way I eat, the way I labor, the way I interact, the way I move through the world— I’m consciously aware of how this can impact, how it can support and sustain the softness for the way of my children, the way of my starseeds. That’s why I identify as a black birthing mother.
Also the labors of birthing, and that I have recently birthed— I have have young children I’m still nourishing them from my body. There’s that visible, living labor of the birth and then there’s also the invisible labors, the energetic spiritual labors of holding space for future starseeds to be born. Many of us are doing that. For many of us it’s a labor that we do but it’s unnamed in many of the spaces in our society, in our families, in our sister circles. We don’t always have the space to acknowledge that that is a labor, whatever the status of our partnering or possibilities of conceiving or the logistics of meeting egg and sperm— whatever that dance is— the heart labors that we do as mothers exists already. The labors we’ve been doing, that our bodies have been doing all our lives to preserve these lives means we are mothers already because we are born with all our eggs.
“I’m conscious enough to be to be present with the labor. It takes time. That’s why healing is not linear. That’s why we don’t have to automate ourselves. ‘Oh, that happened a year ago. That happened five years ago. I should be over it. It should be done.’ It still might be sitting with you and you’re holding it until you reach the consciousness to face it and unpack it, until you have the softness or the support to be with it, until you have breath from the rawness of it and can actually reflect. Whatever it is, there might be a reason why this thing is still with you years and years after it happened.”
Story behind the cover photo: Port of Spain, Trinidad & Tobago, March 2011, a week after Carnival at the Breakfast Shed at the Waterfront. A photographer I met while playing my first mas invited me to do a photo shoot, and of course I said YES! It was a magical time. There were actually 3 photographers, and they were so loving and excited to work with me. We started when the sun was high and went all the way until the sun went down. These sunset captures are some of my favorites from the moment. Photo by Renaldo De Silva.
The majesty of our fertility is that it can be translated and poured into anything we want. I often speak of pouring my fertility into the creation of new humans, into the creations of my children. There are creators in the Garden who are pouring their fertile energies into the creation of their businesses, their enterprises, into the creation of their books and their films and their plays, into the creation of their healing and their relationships with their loved ones, and their partnerships. There are infinite ways that you can apply your fertile energy. In the Garden, we explore those ways, and we experiment with the different pathways that those possibilities can come to life. We share stories and we share journeys, and we we share methodologies for realizing the most expansive experience inside our fertility, our creativity, our majesty.
The magnitude of now came because it’s me mattering why I have the luminous expansion, why I needed to, after years and years of suppressing the Yes and pretending like other people’s needs were mine, and going along with, with, with ways that were not a Yes for me— I am mattering the knots and hardened spaces that that created in my body in the living of denial, the laboring of the denial. I’m also acknowledging, that yes, this is still a love labor for me. Making the way soft and open for my starseeds is a love labor for me. Every moment, that the window, that that season, that the time, that the possibility of conception comes around, I am ecstatic, I am joyful. That ecstatic energy doesn't have to be contained to the physiological phenomenon. It can actually sustain me and nourish me continuously. I can live inside the luminous expansion. I can dance in that frequency everyday. I can move with that consciousness of abundance and openness and possibility.
I really feel that living into the consciousness of this expansion now creates a retroactive healing for other moments where I was hard, and where I was closed, and where I was suppressing the Yes. The bruising and the wounding and the scarring that has formed around the years of that suppression— I think that’s what sometimes we’re experiencing in the fluctuations of healing spaces and healing moments. We’ll feel ourselves evolving. We’ll feel ourselves progressing. We’ll feel the new rhythms. We’ll feel a transformation. It’s real, it’s happening. And we’ll still be very much aware that there is something still working out, something still processing, something being unpacked, something still being rewitnessed or possibly witnessed for the first time.
“So that’s one piece of the magnitude of now. The other piece is that I celebrate the possibility of what can be created in the luminous expansion. I celebrate that a whole life is possible, that I have the possibility to bring forth a whole life. Every month there’s the elemental of matter of a new that being presents itself for realization. I wholeheartedly honor that and celebrate the labor of consciousness around that as mother. I celebrate that I am the mother of my starseeds already. This is a labor that I’ve been doing for years. Even before I was a visible mother, I was rooting myself in the awareness of being the mother of my children. At the time, I didn’t have the language starseeds so I called them my children. Now I use the language starseeds to specifically speak to the ones who are not yet born, and to the possibility of their existence, and to the labors, the long loving labors of preserving the way and keeping your way soft and open.”
Explore more Garden language in our Glossary.
I want to share a definition with you that Creator Zindzi has offered to us in the Garden. In the Garden we redo language. That’s why we have the Glossary. We make up our own words. We redefine and make the language matter our lives and our realities. One of the words that she wanted to reimagine was trauma, to replace that word in her language. We started experimenting with that in our dialogue spaces in the Garden. So Zindzi came up with a new word instead of trauma. She uses the word kaleidoscope. So if you’re familiar with a kaleidoscope, you look through it and it has all these pretty colors. It creates these fractals and these images. You’re looking at something, but you’re looking at it through all these different dimensions. So Zindzi’s language for kaleidoscope, as she says it’s a working definition and it is still forming and still being born-- as it’s all our language because we’re living in where we’re growing and changing and transforming all the time. So Zindzi’s working definition of Kaleidoscope as a reimagined language for trauma: the fracturing effect of jolting life happenings which reconfigure the patterns of our being, birthing, and becoming.
I just love that! I love the action and the texture, joltinging, fracturing, reconfiguring. I love that it speaks to the experience of what happens when we experience you know those moments in life that break us or shape us or uproot us, change the world upside down. There’s a labor to living through it. Sometimes it’s not about getting to the other side, it’s about being in it for however, the duration of this moment is. The magnitude of Now. Sometimes the now is extended. It’s days, it’s weeks, it’s years. I have mamas that I’m witnessing, who are inside kaleidoscopes that have been going on for years. It wasn’t like, “Okay, I’m just breathing and this moment will be over next week or next year.” It’s still going on and they are teaching me. They’re showing me this is how you labor to something that is daily jolting, daily fracturing, daily uprooting to your heart, to your mind, to your body. This is how you live with it and still access the majesty of your creative possibilities, and still access joy, and still find laughter, and still find moments of rest and pleasure, and possibility and curiosity. This is how you live inside a moment that is really hard and really heartbreaking.
Again, our stories are our wealth. Sometimes the witnessing of another mama’s story helps us hold space for someone else. Even if we never have that experience, just in witnessing we might be a vital resource for someone else one day who doesn’t even know that this experience has happened, that there’s someone else living inside this kaleidoscope moment right now, that there are ways of living and surviving and thriving in the kaleidoscope that are more accessible once we shift the language. Sometimes the language of trauma creates a wall. It creates a holding space. It creates a frequency of that is triggering that can be frightening, that can be distressing. We need to get into the moment, we need to unpack, we need to do that labor but the language is a prison. The language keeps us from going there because we don’t want to be reimmersed in the intensity of whatever was so harrowing or horrific. Giving ourselves a new language to speak about how we feel, and to speak about the awakenings and the possibilities and can be very healing.
Language is one of our seeds for this orbit. I am fluent in the language of possibility. That is the scripture and the seed affirmation for the Language seed. Language is such a core part of how we create worlds inside the Garden. It’s how we give us a space to have the conversations that have never been had before, to go into the depths and the crevices and the hidden spaces that we've been holding for preservation. We know we need to be with it, we need to sit with it. But we also need to do it softly in a way that it doesn’t feel like rocks or boulders or just being slung around. There is a gentle way to be with the kaleidoscope in our lives. There’s a gentle way to be with things that have hurt, things that have been fearful, things that have been scary and tragic. There is a way to be with all of those things and not cause more harm to ourselves.
That looks differently for everyone. In the Garden we help each other realize our pathways. We help each other understand what might be the softest way for you. And the softest way for me might not be the softest way for you.There’s no one size fits all situation. It’s very individual, and in that, there’s majesty and abundance because there’s learning. We’re learning how to care for multiple mothers, multiple creators. Like, “Oh, okay. I know if ever I encounter someone who has this sensibility or this preference, I’ve seen that, I’ve practiced holding space with someone in that way.” So this is sacred life skills building as well because being in our sistership means learning how to tend to multiple heart spaces, multiple mother hearts, and the great diversity of how those hearts can expand and explore life and be. Again it echoes the abundance. The abundance is always echoing.
“Language is one of our seeds for this orbit. I am fluent in the language of possibility. That is the scripture and the seed affirmation for the Language seed. Language is such a core part of how we create worlds inside the Garden. It’s how we give us a space to have the conversations that have never been had before, to go into the depths and the crevices and the hidden spaces that we’ve been holding for preservation. We know we need to be with it, we need to sit with it. But we also need to do it softly in a way that it doesn’t feel like rocks or boulders or just being slung around. There is a gentle way to be with the kaleidoscope in our lives. There’s a gentle way to be with things that have hurt, things that have been fearful, things that have been scary and tragic. There is a way to be with all of those things and not cause more harm to ourselves.”
The magnitude of now for me is this joyful honoring that yes, in this moment, there is life that could be initiated here. There is a person that could be born here. There is a creation that can be seeded. There’s a story that could be written. There is a play that could be crafted. There’s a book. There’s a drawing. There’s a journey to be taken. There’s a recipe to be remembered. There’s as an ancestor to commune with. Every moment is so fertile. The luminous expansion echoes the abundance of that, every moment of every day.
A part of my majesty involves celebrating the fertile abundance that this moment can be anything. Anything could be born in this now, and this is a specific now. Prayerfully there are more nows to come, more days to come, more years, more lifetimes to live into. And this one is sacred. This one is precious, this moment. I honor the fullness of this moment. The magnitude of now is about being present with the beauty and the majesty, and the possibility and the transformation and the illumination and expansion of this now moment. For me, as it relates to the luminous expansion, it’s this active acknowledgement. Yes, here is the moment to bring forth a new life. Here as you, as a black birthing Mother, you as someone who is consciously keeping the way soft and open for her future starseeds. This moment is another moment for that.
In the spiritual, metaphysical, energetic expansion of the luminous expansion, I can live in that knowing at all times. I can apply it, and be nourished by it for all creations, for everything I’m dreaming, for everything I’m seeding, for everything I’m initiating. I can be present with the fullness of this now moment. It’s making me more particular about how I do spend the time that is measured in hours, and seconds, and minutes and days. How is this hour going? Is answering this phone what I need to do? Is sending this text what I need to do? Is reading this book, or watching this video-- every moment becomes extremely precious. You become present with what you're doing with it, with your time.
Time, that’s another one of our sacred seeds for this orbit. Our scripture is, time is all I have, I have all the time I need. And it’s true, I have all the time I need to create the creations that are coming from me in this life, in this now moment. I have all the time I need. What am I doing with this? How am I spending this time? What am I applying my energies and my labors to? Is this a Yes? Am I denying? Am I suppressing? Am I ignoring something that is my truth? How do I want to shift and reimagine my time so that I can be honest with the creations that my intuition and my knowing and my divine creation intelligence is revealing to me?
So, the magnitude of now! A mighty word! A mighty, mighty word. Thank you for witnessing. Thank you for listening. Thank you for holding sacred space for me as I feel my way into the language and into the majesties of articulation and sharing. It’s all an experiment. It’s all a dance. I love that I’m feeling into more and more ways— the nuances, and the textures, and the diversity of pathways. Sometimes these scriptures come through movement. Sometimes it comes from being with my children and just being really present in a moment, and them saying something and sparking something. Sometimes it comes from conversations with other creators and witnessesing sacred stories and making connections. Sometimes it comes from being with my own memories in my heart space, in my healing. The scriptures are abundant, the messages, the language, the path is abundant.
There is so, so much to explore, so much to be with. Thank you, thank you, thank you. The birds are chirping and singing. My children went somewhere...I guess I should find them. Here we grow!
Word map generated by the transcription record of this love note
A Note on Mother Mother’s labors for the creation of this Fertile Friday love note | Discovering the Daily Dancer practice | Finding and choosing music for the movement practice | Recording acorn sermon | Transcribing and editing love note | Developing the graphics | Creating the materials for the Understanding Our Garden Circles | Creating audio-video for love note | Building the post | Editing design and layout | Sending out the newsletter | Proofreading and making additional edits | Bouncing around with little people throughout the day | Planning for family celebrations | Sunday publishing edition
where do you share your stories?
Ask a question + share your story with us. The Fertility Abundance Garden is a congregation for creators, a sanctuary for mothers, a dreamscape for sacred storytellers. To learn more and to join the Garden, visit the Fertility Abundance Garden Welcome Center.
Are you feeling inspired to share the love?
Thank you for witnessing our sacred labors in the Garden. If any part of this love nourished your being as a creator, please pour into our Giving Well. If there is someone you think would appreciate communing with this post or other shares inside Seed & Spark, please share and post this link with your lovelies and wherever else your spirit moves you. Thank you for being here!
