The Revelation Of My Motherself
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The Revelation Of My Motherself
Fertile Friday Love Note
Listen to the Fertile Friday love note. Story of the cover photo shared below.
By mother mother binahkaye joy
13 May 2022
Blessed Fertile Friday, Abundant Creators,
Where do you like to experience the sun rising?
How have you been celebrating yourself this week?
Who has witnessed you in your joy most recently?
On Mother’s Day I offered a story prompt in the Garden: When did I first become a mother? I recorded my story in a voice note, and orignally posted it in our Fertile Majesties group. Now I offer the unabridged recording + edited-for-clarity transcript of that story as the substance of this week’s Fertile Friday love note.
My years-long arrival to the language of revelation of my motherself revealed itself as the heart of the story that unfolded from sitting with this prompt. Juicy stories are being shared in all our Garden portals. If you feel the Yes to pour into our Story Share Lab, share your story about your journey of first feeling/sensing/wanting/becoming a mother. The more we share with each other, the more we all grow. Our stories are our wealth! Thank you for being a part of the story magic for this week’s Fertile Friday love note. Enjoy the discovery!
Italicized words defined and expanded on in the glossary
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Ubud, Bali, Indonesia, May 2006, the week I experienced the first revelation of my motherself.
Happy Mother’s Day, Beautiful Creators.
I greet you from a walk to the store, with Revvy. He’s in the stroller, because I gotta move a little faster. Today on Creators Channel, I shared today's prompt that came to me for Mother’s Day: When did I first become a mother? That question arose from my communions inside my sacred texts this morning. I started mapping the spiral evolution of my motherself, and retracing pivotal moments when I was feeling my Yes, feeling for the Yes. But I, hadn't yet developed that language.
Where did where did my motherself begin? For me, it began long before I had children in my belly, in my arms, at the breast. There’s a term I use called the revelation of my motherself. I used to think that happened in 2007. But now, I know that the first revelation of my motherself was in 2006 when I was in Bali. But then I thought about, “Well, what about before then?” Is there something that predates even 2006? And then I wound back to 2005.
I’m curious, what is it that lets us know, when we feel that we are a mother? There’s something that shifts inside. I feel like there was a moment in 2005 where I can recall considering for the first time, my life as a mother, and the possibility of becoming a mother, and my responsibilities toward my children. That moment came and was so striking. It stood out. Up until then, the idea of motherhood had been sort of peripheral. Like, “Yeah one day, okay. I’ll think about that at some point.” It had never been consciously thought of.
What I wrote down in my sacred texts book was that the pre-revelation of my motherself in 2005—it was unnamed. Feeling precedes language. I didn’t have language to even acknowledge what I was feeling. But I had the feeling. I could, for myself, acknowledge it, but there was nowhere to unpack it. There was no Garden. There was no conscious community to support mothering labors and awareness—all of these things that we have now in the Garden!
“Where did where did my motherself begin? For me, it began long before I had children in my belly, in my arms, at the breast.”
The revelation of my motherself. I think that’s interesting too. See, years before my son Revelation was born, I’ve been using this language to talk about the revelation of my motherself. I never resonated when people were like, “Do you want kids? You want to have kids? How many kids do you want?” Those questions just didn't make sense to me. I always felt like it wasn’t about a want, it was about a spiritual awareness. I didn’t have the language to describe that consciousness that I was feeling. I didn't have an answer.
After years of sitting with it, that’s what I landed on: the revelation of my motherself. It means the point of clear consciousness, when I knew that I’m a mother, and I am in communion with my starseeds, and I am responsible for creating the way for my children to be here. From there, I grew to center that. My entire life, everything, every decision, every choice became around: how does this impact the possibility of my children, the possibility of their existence? That became central in all my labors, and it still is.
Story behind the cover photo: July 2010, photo by Colin A. Danville
Invisible dancing mother leaping into unknowns after a protostar birth. A moment after the ultrasound technician confirmed that she didn’t see a starseed becoming human anymore in my womb, I had decided it was time to get to Trinidad. I had delayed my residency earlier in the year when I anticipated that I would be giving birth to someone soon. This scene, captured during the in-between days of wanting to go and still figuring out all the steps to get there, reflects the layered energies of that time. The hope and the grief, the urgency and the stillness, the there and the not there.
The revelation of my motherself is what seeded my consciousness to center my life around my mothering labors, and the labor of creating space for the possibility of my children’s existence. That’s what I listen to. At the core of everything I’m listening to: Is this the most expansive pathway that preserves the possibility of existence for my children? And now, for the ones who are earthside: Is this the most expansive way to preserve their freedom, to preserve their access to their dreams, their access to their imagination? That’s what really sources and activates our family learning lab and, my conscious choice to not participate in systems and spaces that would restrict their freedoms, or force them to conform to mandates and practices that are not considerate of their majesties and their brilliance.
All of these creation frequencies are connected. The beginning of my motherself, in many ways it’s—I was gonna say, it’s the beginning of my life. But, I definitely was living and exploring life before I was consciously aware and living from my motherself. I think the revelation of the motherelf—the birth of our consciousness as mothers—is a sacred initiation. It’s not something everyone does. Everyone doesn’t choose that. The Garden is a space that is really devoted to honoring the labors around what it means to consciously choose to be a mother, and to choose what your mothering path looks like, what your mothering labors are. To shape it, and to articulate the scope and the expanse and the possibilities, and the innovations of your mothering labors and your maternal intelligence. That being and becoming a mother really is this dynamic, transformational practice. As creators, we get to inform our world what our practice is.
“After years of sitting with it, that’s what I landed on: the revelation of my motherself. It means the point of clear consciousness, when I knew that I’m a mother, and I am in communion with my starseeds, and I am responsible for creating the way for my children to be here. From there, I grew to center that. My entire life, everything, every decision, every choice became around: ‘how does this impact the possibility of my children, the possibility of their existence?’ That became central in all my labors, and it still is.”
I feel like my early years, when I was an invisible mother, when my labor was unnamed, when I hadn’t even come up with the language of the revelation of my motherself— I feel I was in a long labor of articulating it to myself. When I was mapping out the evolution of my mothering realms, and my mother consciousness, I realized that the seed spiral of my motherself spans 10 years. And then I understood: “Oh, that makes so much sense. The seed spiral is communicating that this root is going to go so deep. This is my whole life. This root is gonna go so deep. It’s gonna take some time before I come into full consciousness of it.”
I just got into the juicy, epiphany around the spiral and everything, and then all the munchkins woke up, and people needed Mommy, and little hands started writing all over my sacred texts book. I wrote some notes and made notations but I’m definitely going to go back to it and be with these illuminations. So that’s where the question came from: When did I first become a mother? That came from realizing how deep the root of my motherself is. Before I even had language, I felt myself to be a mother and I started living from that consciousness.
I’m excited to hear everyone’s stories and shares and openings and creations, and brilliance and, and heart awakenings. All of it! All the generative, juicy majesties. I love you. Thank you for listening. Happy Mother’s Day!
Word map generated by the transcription record of this love note
A Note on Mother Mother’s labors for the creation of this Fertile Friday love note | Walking to the grocery store while pushing Revvy in the stroller and recording the story | Listening, transcribing, and editing the share | Making notes + mapping expansions of understanding in sacred texts book | Transcribing and editing love note | Developing the graphics | Creating audio-video fo love note | Building the post | Editing design and layout | Sending out the newsletter | Proofreading and making additional edits | Soothing crying/bickering/hangry children and nursing little people throughout the two days it took to birth this love note
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